God's Grace

I remember growing up as a believer. But I was a powerless Christian. I attended Church from the age of eight. I wanted to be well behaved like all the other boys and girls in my Sunday school class but my behavior was just the opposite. I had a foul mouth and an anger problem from a young age. As I grew into adolescence the anger intensified and depression developed. I watched as the kids from my Church sat and ate lunch together engaging in cheerful camaraderie but I felt guilty joining them because I spent my weekends at parties drinking beer and smoking pot. I felt miserable most of the time. I wanted the joy my friends displayed but I honestly didn't know how to get it. It seemed like every time I tried to be like them I fell flat on my face.
After high school I became a college dropout, got pregnant then got married in that order. I had three children by the age of 22 and I was divorced by age 24. That long hall of sadness mixed with rage grew longer every day. I knew God was with me because I was taught that He was but I couldn't feel Him. I never doubted God's existence, what I doubted was myself. I remember Bible study with a group of women who taught that Jesus was not God and that's what I believed. How could God's son be God? My friends from Church said, "Lacy, be careful." But they didn't know what they were talking about. These were great people with a sound doctrine and I liked the time we spent together in the Word. But the Holy Spirit was working in my spirit because I went to the Bible bookstore and bought eight different books on the reasons why this certain group of believers were wrong. During my reading I did an awesome study of the trinity, the eyes of my heart were enlightened and all of a sudden I knew who God was. It was such an amazing revelation I couldn't wait to share it with my study group friends, but they weren't as happy as I was and our meetings came to an end. My relationship with God continues growing stronger everyday but character transformation is a process. I didn't come to the realization of who God was and all of a sudden walk into newness of life. I was smoking, drinking, fornicating and partying practically everyday. I was still very angry and depressed and after the divorce extreme loneliness set in. I finally knew who God was but now He had to change me. God said in His Word He would transform me by the renewing of my mind and He began that day. But the manifestation of that transformation is still taking place. I applaud those who accept Jesus in their hearts and are instantly new creatures. I believe this really does happen to some, but it did not happen this way for me. Although I felt his presence and am convinced I was saved, that salvation took awhile to manifest in my life. The hardest part about life for me was trusting in God to take care of my needs. I had grown so accustomed to worrying about everything I had no idea how I was suppose to lay my cares at His feet. The worries and concerns of life is why I drank, smoked, overate and looked for new relationships continually. I used these vices to escape responsibility. I abused substances to dull the pain of a harsh reality. But as I practiced letting go of the problems and allowing God to take care of them for me and as I saw Him actually working in my life I found I no longer needed the substances I craved. One nasty bad habit at a time disappeared and I can honestly say today I am free at last.